i haven't had much time for computers lately.  i'm still working at the Fund, but i'm a field manager now so i'm working 10 or 12 hours a day sometimes.  i love it there, though.  it rocks.  Thomas works there now too.

i caught the bus into town to do some gift scouting (shhh its a secret) and ended up here at the library.  it seems that today, no matter where i go, i am surrounded by screaming children.  i can't believe i used to be a nanny.

the other neat thing about The Fund (other than the fact that the job is fun, meaningful, everyone i work with is way cool, and it pays well) is that there are Fund offices all over the country, so when we leave Michigan we can both just get transferred to a different office and we'll have jobs right away.  the Ann Arbor office is the 2nd highest grossing office in the country, but the Seattle office is the highest.  there are offices in a lot of the places we're thinking of going to - New York, New Orleans, San Francisco, Portland.... they're everywhere!!!

there are also a lot of career positions available, and we get a week of paid vacation every year. 

i just wrote a letter to the editor of the Ann arbor News encouraging Governer Grandholm to come out in support of the Roadless Rule, and to reinstate the rule in the Tongass.  it was actually something i had to do for work, but it was still cool.

so, yesterday was my first day at The Fund.  The Fund rocks.  YAY, no more Big Boy!!! 

i was supposed to work today but i lost one of the two forms of ID that i needed to bring in, so they couldn't legally send me out canvassing.  so, i'll get my temporary ID tomorrow and go to work then.  but today, i'm sort of stranded in downtown Ann Arbor, and i wish i had someone to hang out with.

i'll probably go get Mexican food and some coffee, and go to Middle Earth.  i haven't been there in awhile.  i need to shop a little anyway. 

so we're all moved into the new house.  it's lovely.  yay.  a new house.  we have all the paint colours picked out for the walls and everything.  and someday when we have the motivation, money, and time, we're going to pull up the carpet and refinish the hardwood floors.

someone come find me!

silly,
pretentious,
breaks easily under
pressure.
(breaks easily)

defensive theory
passive-agressive delayed
reaction

brain of a uniform
colour and size.

(breaks easily)

itching and festering with reservations,
nerves and spinal
weakness

THIS IS NO LONGER
AMUSING OR COMICAL.

this is ridiculous
and this is necessary,
a prerequisite for the
next beating.

left at home, alone
all day
not even a goodbye kiss because you said
you'd be right back.
well, you didn't come right back.
the stale air stuck to me for ten hours
while i wandered through a maze of sexual frustration and elusive
sleep

later, a knock at the door
and i let in a stranger who would keep me on edge for an hour
until you finally returned with your treasure

and the rent is due (i have no money)
which means, i guess
that it's time for me to leave.

man on the TV says "give me 30 minutes"
and it's such an anticlimax after
watching shirtless boys in beads
throw roses and joints and tabs of acid onto the stage
as an offering to teh dancing, chanting god
they've screamed into saviourship

tonight we drink zinfandel and fill the air with CO2
my body feels whole for the first time in weeks
as if my dress skimming my shins could kick me
off the ground and into tire swing utopia

the streets now are wet and smoky with a sprintime that breezes
through the skin like the perfect contact buzz
little Mexican boy runs out onto the sidewalk,
and i stare up into illuminated Venusian windows
(from behind, i thought the boys father was a transexual)

"my son will be two"
"fuckin' great, man!"

i found the language in the trees again
calling me to come out, come out
suck in the nectar

(there were girls i made nude in the summer's heat
- a new species, we swam through the gardens of wine, sex,
and Kerouac's tea)

tomorrow we go to finalize the lease.  we forgot to cash our paychecks today so that might kind of fuck us because stupid banks aren't open on Sundays.  but i suppose we'll figure it out somehow.

i hate my fucking job.  Friday and Saturday nights are supposed to be the best nights for tips, but it's been dead as hell these past two days.  i only made 44 dollars tonight, and i only made 33 yesterday.  so hopefully the thing with The Fund will work out. 

i picked up some paint sample swatches today from the hardware store.  i'm so excited to paint the walls and get plants and candles and all that fun stuff.  starting over from scratch can be very stimulating.

note to self: must go to Recycle Ann Arbor and Cafe Felix tomorrow.  also perhaps K Mart.

tomorrow is going to be crazy.  i have to go pick up a load of furniture and other stuff from this woman named Kay who works the night shift at this gas station in Chelsea and is moving to Texas and told us we could have all of her shit if we haul it away for her.  before that, i have to make sure that the checks somehow get cashed, go get a money order, drive to the new house, fill out papers etc.   i guess it won't be that crazy but i guess i'm just stressed out.  i am happy that we managed to make $1300 in less than a month at our shitty jobs, though.

everyone needs to come see the new place.  Thomas works from 12 to 8 tomorrow, so if anyone has some free time and wants to come with me to recycle ann arbor, cafe felix, and possibly k mart... and just do some random bumming around Ann Arbor (because it's been awhile since i was back in town), they are welcome.  call me on my cell phone (probably before noon).

i have a new journal thing at Xanga.  my user name is sevenhailmarys.

i'm staying with my parents in grass lake again because we got kicked out of the place in chelsea.  fucking story of my life.  seems like it's the story of everyone's life lately.

we've been looking at lots of places.  today we went to see this apartment for rent on Michigan Ave here in GL, in this 1832 Greek Revival House where people have died and it's gorgeous and huge.  the lady is supposed to call us tomorrow to let us know if she'll rent the apartment to us.  i hope she does.  that place is fucking lovely.

there is nothing to say at this point.. as always this house saps my energy.  the dog has to go to the vet tomorrow.  on friday we have to go check out another apartment.  i work all weekend.  i want something but i don't know what it is.

( stupid stupid shit. )

at the library, staring at the brick wall in front of me, waiting for the page to load. 

last night was Halloween.  i didn't dress up, except that my hair is now blue and cut sort of like Rebecca's in Tank Girl.  that was on tv today.  i hadn't realized before that the cut was probably inspired by her from some dusty subconscious corner of my brain.  anyway, we had some people over for fondue and wine and pot and apple pie and M&Ms.  it was fun.  i got a lot drunker than i thought i would so today i felt like shit.

our apartment is pretty much empty.  there's still some packing to do, though.  Thomas's car is in the shop because he stopped to get gas and then it wouldn't start.  so who knows how much that is going to cost.  we don't have as much money for California as we'd planned, but we'll still make it out there. 

it's dark and rainy outside and the walk home will be interesting.

i'm going to go check out some books.

i need to go to Salvation Army or Goodwill and buy some sweaters but it's 5:30 already so they are CLOSED.  shit out of luck.  so i'm sitting here in the library instead, ogling one of the library attendants, who is maybe in her early 30s and really gorgeous and sexy in a professional way.  i need to DO something.  i suppose that should involve sorting through the rest of the junk in our apartment and getting even more ready to leave.  it's a daunting task. 

we are having a sort of dinner party on Halloween.  Eric - if you are not terribly incapacitated because of your surgery, you should come by and participate.  i think we're doing fondue.  and probably wine.  and of course that green stuff that we all know and love.

i quit my job yesterday.  well, sort of.  we only had 4 or 5 people working, and we were in the middle of a rush, and i just got fucking sick of feeling so pissed and low and like a pushover because i'm still working there even after thomas got fired and my fucking manager kept trying to get me to sleep with her.  so i just put on my coat and walked out the back door.  i didn't even punch out.  i walked all the way home.  they were probably screwed, and i feel kind of bad about that, but it's just Little Caesars, for Christ's sake.  fuck those bitches.  i only had two days of work left anyway.

i still have to go in there on Tuesday and pick up my check, though, which should be interesting.  i was thinking about getting a bunch of crickets (you know, the ones you buy in a pet shop to feed to lizards etc) and letting them go in there.  they'd probably have to call an exterminator.  i probably won't do it though.  sort of an immature idea.

anyway.

this is my friend anna.  go here.

i think we're going to check out New Orleans on our trip.  who knows, if we like it we might stay for awhile.  i've always wanted to see it.  the cost of living there is probably a lot cheaper than California, too.  i don't really care where we go as long as it's far away from here.

Angela - if you can take your car out there on the trip, that would be perfect.  we aren't going to have much room in ours with us, our stuff, and the dog.  plus if we were traveling with two cars, we have a better chance of making it there in case one of them breaks down.  i would love it if you decided to come to California with us.  it would be absolutely wonderful.  i've gathered, i think, that you're staying with your parents again.  i'll try to call you there today.  don't know when you'll be home though.

i have an idea:  when we're driving down through Michigan from Cadillac, which should be on the 3rd or 4th, we should arrange to meet somewhere, some club in Ann Arbor or maybe one of the hookah bars or coffee shops.  Thomas and i can meet you and Carey there, and whoever else you're with.  and anyone else who lives in the area (Chelsea, Michelle, that would be you) can come hang out too.  i really want to see everyone.

anyway, we've got most of our furniture and shit moved out of our apartment.  it's all down on the porch.  we've got a yard sale going on.  people have already bought a lot but there's still a lot to get rid of.  if we don't sell things we'll probably donate them to goodwill or something.

as of right now, all our clothes and stuff are strewn all over the floor in the bedroom because there's nowhere to put them.  we have to keep Bella locked out of there or she might pee on stuff and chew it up.  yesterday she chewed up a whole roll of paper towels.  silly puppy.

i wish i could just take off and not have to pay that stupid fine, but then i would be a felon and that might not be very helpful.

only three more days of stupid work at LC left!!!  i'm trying to come up with a genius plan to completely rip them off. 

anyway.  for the past few days we've been spending most of our time at Ashleigh's so we can keep a better eye on the yard sale.  i've played so much Mario i think i might die.  and Sims.  oh man.  i made a wicked Sims family - the Mudjhooters.  Iris Lazuli (me) and Venus Luna (my wife).  with the rosebud cheat i made a wicked house with beautiful landscaping.  but then Iris set the house on fire and died.  and the game wouldn't save.  so the Mudjhooters are kind of fucked.

everyone go to burning_murder  and read my sister's poetry.

Angela, what happened?  did you get kicked out??

i'm about to buy a carton of class D Russian cigarettes for $12.  sounds good to me.

my cousin had a baby yesterday.   i think her name is Brook Lee Michelle.

today we are giving the cat away.   i like the cat, even thought she flings her cat litter all over the place.

i'm going to get beads and string and crosses and start making rosaries and then i can sell them on the street, maybe.  and maybe put together a book of my poems and make copies and start selling those, too.  to make some extra money.  it might not work very well in Cadillac.  i might do it on the road.

The blackened sun has fallen
and tumbles forward to knock me
aside
and crush me like a bowling pin,
i am so
insignificant and sinful.

Walking,
studying the stains on the sidewalk
perfect, in the shapes of dead leaves
and
the geometric patterns of the rooftops.
I've used up all my oxygen,
gulping too much inflated hope into my tiny lungs.
There is no more air here.
The rations are spent,
the escape route blocked off,
a massive ROAD CLOSED sign that follows me
incessantly, splitting my nerves,
curdling the juices in my stomach, unsettling me.

My hair is coming out
three strands at a time,
blonde, translucent, barely visible,
building up in a pile at my feet.

THIS THING

has nothing

to do with broken door-bells, cold

wind or rain.

Frost is afoot

the last of the insects

have flailed indoors, seeking the poisonous comfort

of insulated walls,

and the colored leaves, hand in hand,

chant softly to their deaths.

Everyone

is distracted;

they've forgotten how to spell my name.

Angela - i'll call you around 10 tonight, but i'll be at work from 4-10 so you can call me there if you want.  231-775-9100.  otherwise i'll just call you when i get off work.  but if you ever need to get ahold of me, that's where you can call.  and i'm going to stop by and see you on the way to Washington.  it should be November 1st-ish.

i got an absolutely delicious birthday present, the day after my birthday.  story:

Friday night, my friend Noah was having a party.  he's 17 and still in highschool but he's like a cousin to us (he's Thomas's sister's boyfriend, they had a baby together) and he's really cool.  his parents were out of town for the night so he decided to have a small party.  a lot more people showed up than we thought were going to be there.  everyone was cool (we were all hanging out in the garage smoking because his little sister was inside with a bunch of her little girlfriends stealing beers from us and drinking them with straws and trying to take their clothes off and just basically being irritating).  Noah lives out in the middle of fucking nowhere so it was the last thing we expected when a cop pokes his fat head through the door into the garage and tells us all to come inside and have a seat.

i guess someone gave them a tip that there would be a party at Noah's that night.  there was a side door in the garage and i don't know why Doug and i didn't just run but we didn't.  we could have easily run off and hidden in some cornfields until they left.  damn.

anyway, all the little girls were inside puking and wailing because they were stupid and 15 and tanked and the cops were there.  everyone under 21 got MIPs (including me).  the thing that pisses me off is that none of us would have gotten MIPs if those little girls hadn't been there.  but when i had to take the breath test, i blew higher than anyone else (haha) and i was acting the least drunk out of any of those little fuckers. 

Eric was there, and he had just shown up and blew .000 so he took Doug and I home.  i smuggled out some vodka that the cops missed when they were confiscating everything.  so we went home, drank more, listened to Neutral Milk Hotel and Weezer and passed out. 

i am not used to having to worry about cops.  on an island in the middle of a lake in the middle of Canadian Nowhere you don't really see a lot of them.  i have a court date on the 18th and i'll probably just get fined since this is my first MIP.  i might be able to do community service instead which would be nice because i'm poor.  (i have money, i just can't spend any right now).

anyway, on to better things.

my two favorite NMH songs:

Two-Headed Boy

Two headed boy
All floating in glass
The sun it has passed 
Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar
I am listening to hear where you are
I am listening to hear where you are

Two headed boy
Put on sunday shoes
And dance round the room to accordion keys
With the needle that sings in your heart
Catching signals that sound in the dark
Catching signals that sound in the dark
We will take off our clothes 
And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your spine

Two headed boy
With pulleys and weights
Creating a radio played just for two
In the parlor witha moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays
Silver speakers that sparkle all day
Made for his lover who's floating and choking with her hands across her face
And in the dark we will take off our clothes
And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your spine

Two headed boy
There is no reason to grieve 
The world that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves
Left beneath Christmas trees in the snow
And I will take you and leave you alone
Watching spirals of white softly flow
Over your eyelids and all you did
Will wait until the point when you let go

Oh Comely
Oh comely
I will be with you when you lose your breath
Chasing the only meaningful memory you thought you had left
With some pretty bright and bubbly terrible scene
That was doing her thing on your chest
But oh comely 
It isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess
Oh comely
All of your friends are letting you blow
Bristling and ugly
Bursting with fruits falling out from the holes
Of some pretty bright and bubbly friend 
You could need to say comforting things in your ear
But oh comely 
There isn't such one friend that you could find here
Standing next to me
He's only my enemy 
I'll crush him with everything I own

Your father made fetuses 
With flesh licking ladies 
While you and your mother 
Were asleep in the trailer park
Thunderous sparks from the dark of the stadiums
The music and medicine you needed for comforting
So make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving
And pluck all your silly strings 
And bend all your notes for me
Soft silly music is meaningful magical
The movements were beautiful
All in your ovaries
All of them milking with green fleshy flowers
While powerful pistons were sugary sweet machines
Smelling of semen all under the garden
Was all you were needing when you still believed in me

And I know they buried her body with others
Her sister and mother and 500 families 
And will she remember me 50 years later
I wished I could save her in some sort of time machine
Know all your enemies 
We know who are enemies are

Goldaline my dear 
We will fold and freeze together
Far away from here 
There is sun and spring and green forever 
But now we move to feel
For ourselves inside some stranger's stomach
Place your body here 
Let your skin begin to blend itself with mine